Harry Potter Meets Twilight
by MouseyMoi
Summary: Harry Potter becomes a Cullen vampire thanks to Lucius Malfoy...then again, so do the rest of his class almost. It switches from one world to the next. Forks, Washington - Hogwarts
1. Farewell, Harry

It was time for Peer Mediation class at Hogwarts. A subject that had just recently been added to the school curiculum. Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Neville Longbottom all left the Griffindor Common Room to go to Peer Mediation 101...with Lucius Malfoy as their Professor.

Each student was told to leave their bags down at the bag of the class room and come to the front when they had done so. Although one of the meanest men alive was standing befor ethem they still somehow managed to act like a bunch of fiev year olds at their lunch break. For some strange reason, Mr. Malfoy seemed very relaxed and calm. Maybe he was plotting some kind of scheme.

"Everybody!" Lucius shouted "Let's just all calm down. Now, I want each of you to take out your flash-cards, pick a partner and get going. Potter, you can be my partner."

Harry's smile suddenly dropped. His mouth was open wide and he looked almost as if he were about to cry.

"I don't want to be with you! I want Neville!"

The class gasped at Harry's reaction. They quickly silenced and turned sharply to face Lucius. He then replied.

"Now, now, Harry. No need for that. Neville's already got a partner. You can be with Ron if you like."

Harry could have done the sensible thing and just gone along with what Lucius had instructed, but no. That would be too simple. Not challenging enough for our beloved Harry Potter.

"I don't want Ron! I want to be with Neville!"

"Now, now, Harry. If you keep this up you'll have to go on the naughty step."

"No! No Naughty step! I want to be with Neville!"

Lucius sighed impatiently.

"Now, now, Harry. I didn't want to have to do this. _Avada Kedavra_!"

And within seconds, Harry had quickly evaporated into thin air...or, evaporated to a big field in Forks, Washington. A man called Carlisle Cullen approached Harry.

"Ahhhhhh! I'm a really hot vampire!" screamed Harry, in terror.

"Well, hello there, Harry. My name is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I would like to adopt you into my extremely hot vampire family."

Harry was then thrown a little off course. He reckonised somebody. An old friend. A friend who was supposidly killed by Lord Voldemort in the grave-yard. It was Cedric Diggory. What confused Harry even more was the fact that he himslef had just been killed by Lucius Malfoy and yet, he was still breathing. So, did this mean that being 'killed' by Voldemort just turned you into a really hot vampire? If that was the case, why didn't he do it sooner? I mean Harry isn't exactly a looker now is he? Anyway, he continued his rant.

"Hey, Cedric" he said this with a whine in his voice.

"I'm Edward, you fool! Edward Cullen!"

Edward? I thought his name was Cedric. Does this mean that they'll have to change Harry's name to Jason Cullen? Of course it doesn't.

"Why are you called Edward?"

"Would you like me to explain in detail or just a quick, short, summary?"

Harry let out a groan and pulled a face which made him look like he had just swallowed a wasp. Edward replied.

"I'll explain anyway...through song! Here is my reason why."

All of a sudden, two girl's dressed in over-sized hoddies and jeans, from County Kerry in Ireland, started beat-boxing. One of them stopped to prepare for a rap while the other continued with the steady beat. They began explaining Edward's story.

"I was seventeen and I was dying of Spanish Influenza. This guy, Carlisle, came along and saved my life by biting on my, Oh! My brethern where vampires and I was now one of them unfortunatly. So, you see now, I'm in love with this girl Bella. She's really pretty. Harry, you showed up out of nowhere! Out of the blue, like! With nothing to say, like! And on your forehead was a gammy scar. And you have an ugly grin on your face. You think that you own this place. But Forks is my hometown. Not something to frown upon. So, head back to Hogwarts and stop trampling around my turf. Hairy Panhead, quit asking me questions about my traumatic past. Sadly now you're part of the Cullen clan and I can't change that,but you can die!"

Harry stood there in awe. Not quite sure what to make of _his_ traumatic experience. All he knew was that if they were to make a video of that rap and put it on YouTube, it would be a hit!

So, let us now leave Harry and his new found 'happiness' and return to Hogwarts.

Since Lucius Malfoy had just "killed" Harry Potter the class were now struck with terror. He was now the deadliest dark wizard of all time. Or so the students thought. Lucius turned to face the students and resumed.

"Okay, so, does everybody have a buddy?"

Ron didn't know if he should reply to this, for fear of being killed. He did anyway.

"Erm, Mr. Malfoy? You just killed my buddy."

Lucius let out another sigh.

"Okay, Mr. Weasley. I suppose you can be my buddy. Let's stick together through this friendly, family, fun activity."

"But, you're not friendly...or my family...and, you're certainly no fun!"

"Now, now, Mr. Weasley. No need for that."


	2. You what?

It was day two of Peer Mediation class and although the professor, Lucius Malfoy, was a well know death-eater and murderer of the famous Harry Potter, people were now too afraid to even look at the man. Nobody could fire him and nobody could switch to another class. Ron and his new BFF, Neville were heading to class when the saw a rather distraught and altogether quite confused, Professor Flitwick.

"Professor?" asked Ron "Are you alright?"

"'Alright?' Am I alright?! No, Captain Obvious! I am everything but alright! Nobody comes to choir anymore. They are all far too interested in what Lucius Malfoy is teaching. How can a worm like him possibly have any qualifications? I have been teaching choir here for...well, forever! And he comes in all la-di-da, with his black floaty cape and his radient blonde hair and...and..."

Professor Flitwick looked like a teenage girl when they had just been kissed on the cheek by a Jonas Brother...or worse...Zac Efron. His eyelids started to fllutter and he was staring off into space.

"Ahem!"

Ron coughed to try to bring Flitwick back down to earth. Or anywhere below cloud nine really.

"Sorry, boys. Ahem. Erm, yes! So, what can I do for you?"

"We didn't ask for anything. We were just seeing if you were alright."

"Me? Oh, well, I'm just spiffy."

He then let out a girlish chuckle.

"O...kay, then. Erm, well we have Peer Mediation class now so..."

"You. Have. What?"

Neville then realised that he had said far too much. He went red. The room started spinning and then. Bang! He had passed out, yet again. When will he ever learn?

Ron kicked him to try and wake him up but instead he just made matters worse.

"Erm, he was just kidding." Ron laughed nervously.

"Oh, was he now. So what class are you going to then?"

"Erm...that's a good question. Let me just check my timetable. Hang on a sec."

The sweat was dripping off of Ron's face, when suddenly...

"Ah, Mr. Weasley. I've been looking for you everywhere. Come, come, we must not delay. Class is about to begin and you don't want me to stand there all alone do you? Partnerless."

"Ha, ha. Of course not Mr. Malfoy."

"What happened to Mr. Longbottom?"

"Well, he...kind of...erm...well...would you look at the time! It's a quater-past-eleven and class starts at..."

"Twelve." Professor Flitwick wasn't having any of Ron's nonsense.

"Right...twelve. Looks like we have plenty of time to...run!"

Ron made a dash out the door and down two flights of stairs. He was running faster then he realised. He took a quick glance backwards and when he woke up, he had missed two weeks worth of Peer Mediation class.

"Did they catch me?"

Ron asked in dispair. He could just barely see a blurred image of Neville, towering over him.

"No, but the portrait of Ariana Dumbledore wasn't too pleased when you made her tilt slightly. You know she has O.C.D right?"

"Oh, yeah...right. So, what happened in Peer Mediation class."

"Well, Mr. Malfoy has now killed almost half the class...Padma and Parvatti, Zacharius Smith, Seamus, Dean...oh, and he said that you're next but I'd say he was just bluffing."

"Yes, because death-eaters love bluffing, especially when it comes to killing someone."

"Exactly."

Back in Forks, Wahington.

"Zach! Harry! Alice! Emmet! Jasper! Padma! Edward! Parvatti! Rosalie! Seamus! Dean! Get down from there!"

Zach had somehow encouraged everyone to swing out of the giant chandelier in the main hall.

"Weeeeee! This is so much...ahhhhhhhhh!"

Unfortunatly, since there were eleven kids each weighing over 100 pounds each, the chandelier couldn't sustain the weight and bang...it fell...luckily there are very few ways to kill a vampire so they didn't sustain any injuries or fatalities whatsoever. Yay!


	3. Discipline all around!

So, it was time for the next Peer Meditaion class. Ron Weasley was dreading this class as little over a week ago Neville had told him that he was told by Mr. Malfoy that...oh my gosh...hang on a sec...I'm confused...oh, yes! Neville was told by Lucius that Ron was next in line to be killed...at least he had a formal warning. Poor Harry didn't even get to finish his rant!

Neville and Ron plodded along side-by-side up the long winding stair case to the former Divination class room. Neville was panting the whole way up as he had just caught up with Ron in the great Hall after being chased by two second years.

"Ron? Why do people enjoy hurting my face? I mean, I know I'm not a looker but there's no need for them to make it worse."

"I don't know, Neville. Maybe, they just don't understand you."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Exactly, Neville"

"I didn't state anything. I asked you a question."

"Of course you did, Neville."

Neville stoped in the middle of the step and shot Ron a confused, yet slightly angry glare. Ron wasn't interested in Neville's foolishness, he was supposidly going to be killed today and didn't want anyone else's burdens following him around.

"Ah! Mr. Weasley. Mr. Longbottom. Having a nice day are we?"

"Of course we are Mr. Malfoy."

"Professor!"

Neville got such a shock that he fell backwards down the stairs. Poor Neville. Clumsy fool!

"It's _Professor_ Malfoy, thank you very much."

"Right. So, what are we doing in class today."

"Oh-ho! Mr. Weasley...ever inquisitive. You have to stop asking so many questions. I once heard that a little boy, kind of like yourself, maybe a year or two younger than yourself, asked so many questions that his tongue fell out."

"His 'tongue'?"

"No, his nose-hair! Yes, his tongue. That's what I said isn't it."

Ron stuck his tongue slightly out of his mouth and started poking it.

"It was either that it fell out or his Mandrake in Herbology pulled it out."

"How old did you say he was?"

"Oh, I'd say around nine...ten...ish."

"But Professor, I'm seventeen."

"Nine...seventeen...what's the difference?"

"I'd say about six years...give or take a few!"

"Ron..."

"Yes..."

"That was a retorical question!"

Neville had sort of recovered and had slowly half-crawled his way up the giant, winding, stone staircase. He was groaning the entire way up and Mr. Malfoy couldn't hear himself think. This wasn't good news for Neville.

He ran down and grabbed Neville by the neck of his shirt and pulled a _'Ms. Trunchbull' _on him. He released the shirt collar from his grip and instead he took hold of Nevilles tie. He lifted his books gently out of Neville's hands and threw them to the bottom of the tower, where they eventually hit a little first year on the head and knocked him out. He then dragged Neville all the way to the class room where he had room enough to swing Neville around his head and through the stained-glass windows.

Neville landed in the lake.

Ron looked on in horror as Mr. Malfoy glanced out the window for a brief moment to see how far his student had flown. He turned and shot a smile at Ron which made him cringe in fear.

Let's just take a few moments to let Ron compose himself. Oh, I have an idea. Let's check in on the Cullens in Forks, Washington.

Carlisle had had enough of the children's foolish, eratic and very expensive behaviour. He decided to take matters into his own hands. He called everyone to a family meeting and told them all to bring a notebook and a pen.

Decipline 101.

"Now, all of you are idiots in your very own, special way. Since none of you can learn to behave like normal children I..."

Emmett. Always interupting.

"Carlisle, we're not normal. We're vampires. And it's not even like we are real vampires because we don't turn to ash, we sparkle. And we don't sleep in coffins, we sit there on the couch...awake. And we don't suck human blood, we just go for animals, which by the way, I'm getting a bit sick of."

"Emmett Cullen!"

Jasper looked like he had just wet himself. His eyes got bigger than ever before. He had never heard Carlisle get mad...ever.

"You see, this is what I mean. You interupt, you break my chandelier, Edward drank all of my Pepsi and Alice...you say you're 'sleepwalking' when really you are going downstairs in the middle of the night to dress poor Peaches up like a Paris Hilton lookalike...it's a dog not a person!"

"But she looks cute in the pink tutu."

"'_She'_ is a He!"

"Oops! My bad. I'll get a blue one instead"

"A blue...a blue one! A blue one! Oh, I don't think so, missy! You won't be getting blue 'ones' for anybody! You are going to sit here, pay attention and learn! Okay?"

They were all too shocked to respond.

"Good. I'm glad we've reached an understanding. Now, I'm going to teach you "The Let's All Get Along Song" song. _I've had a good day today, I ate a pancake, a pancake hoo-ray_..."

The singing went on for hours...and hours...and hours. Everytime Harry sang a bum-note Carlisle would go nuts. Everytime Rosalie started going all Mariah Carey with the highs and the lows and whatnot, he would pick up her hands and get the sheet music and start pointing agressively to the notes she was meant to sing. Eventually he got so riled up that he had a minor mental-breakdown and started tearing at his hair. The children, all eleven of them, gently slipped ouit of the room, two at a time. But remember, the number eleven is an odd number so there was always that risk of one poor unfortunate being caught.

"Jasper!"

Carlisle called. He waved his arms to signal to Jasper that he was to come over.

"Em...ahem...Car...Carli...Ca-a-a-arli..."

By the way, Jasper doesn't speak that much. He tries but sometimes he tries so hard that it upsets him and he runs off crying...just like now.

Jasper, ran off sobbing at his failure. Carlisle fell to the floor, curled himself up in a ball and wimpered.

Back in Hogwarts...

"You just flung Neville out the window!"

"So?"

"'So?' You just flung Neville out the window!"

"Yes, you said that. What's your point?"

"My point is that you just..."

"Flung Neville out the window. Yes, Mr. Weasley, we've established that. I don't see what the problem is."

"He could be dead!"

"Ah, yes. He _could_, but he is not. I checked. Just to be polite. Well, that and because that's the furthest I ever thrown anybody before."

"So, you mean to tell me that you don't care if he is safe, you just care if he went a far distance...and that you've thrown other people out seven-storey windows before?"

"Well, that first part is true but the bit about other people is a load of nonsense. He's the furthest I've ever thrown someone before because I haven't thrown anyone before."

That day ron avoided being killed as Lucius was too pleased with himself over the distance he threw Neville. If you want to know what happened to Neville, just imagine a seventeen year old, scrawney and rather goofy looking boy, lying on a bed in the hospital wing, with strips of seaweed trapsing over his torso, legs and his forehead. That's what happened to him.


	4. You better call Dinarod!

It was day four of Peer Mediation class. Everyone was seated and waiting for their feared professor, Lucius Malfoy. Oh, wait. Here he comes. Waltzing in like he's God!

"Hello, you foul, rotten, beasts who are commonly known as...'children'. How are we all today?"

When he turned to face the class he found there to be only five students left in the class. He sighed and turned to face the chalkboard which was covered by a black cloak...similar to the very one he was wearing. He manouvered the board to the centre of the room and got everyone to sit around it. He pulled the cloak from the board and...

"Spongebob Squarepants?"

"Why, yes, Mr. Durrin. It appears to be Mr. Squarepants himself."

Adam Durrin and Ron Weasley looked at each other with worried expressions. Had Lucius finally lost the plot or was he just finding his inner rainbow? Whatever it was, they were confused.

"Do, you have a problem with Spongebob, Mr. Durrin? Because personally, I love Spongebob. He taught me how to do the sponge and how to tie my shoes and how to have fun and he taught me that this grill is not a home."

He was pointing but there was no grill. He laughed nervously and resumed.

"He could teach you a thing or two about manners, Mr. Durrin."

Adam and Ron started laughing. Neville, who by the way was in a wheelchair (I'll fill you in on the details later) was trying to tell them to stop when...

"Something funny, Neville? Because you know I take laughing at others a form of bullying...don't you?"

"I didn't...but I....and they...and..."

Do I really need to tell you what happened to Neville? Oh, I do? Really? Okay, then. He passed out..again.

"So, what has Spongebob ever taught you Mr. Weasley?"

"He's taught me that i should never be friends with a guy called Patrick because he's way too clingy and that if someone wants to play their clarinet in peace, you should just let them."

"That's a very negative approach, Ron. You...you're hurting Sponge's feelings."

"So? Neville is turning into a vegatable with the way you've been around him and you're giving out to me for insulting a cartoon sponge who can have a take a shower in water, from a tap...while he is underwater! The concept is a bid rediculous."

"Oh, well...erm...Mr. Weasley? Will you call Madame Pomfrey up here? There's a perons who will need tending to."

"Oh, Neville's fine. he doesn't need assistance."

"I wasn't talking about Neville..."

"Well, then who were you talking abo..."

He started to slur his words as the realisation hit him like a ton of bricks. It was Ron that Lucius was after. He was going to run but after what had happened last time he didn't want to take the chance. He stood there and took the blow...pow!

Meanwhile, back in Forks, Wahington...

"Oh...erm...ahem...eh...hmmm...grrr...erm...huh?"

Jasper was paniking as he had just jammed Edward's head in the toilet and whilst trying to get him out he accidently flushed the toilet which made matters worse.

"Jasper? Are you still there, buddy? Listen I won't be mad I promise just go and get Carlisle and tell him to come to me."

"Um...um-hum!"

Jasper ran off looking like Edward Scissorhands. He ran into Carlisle's office, grabbed him by the hand and brought him to the bathroom where Harry, Zach and Padma where causing mischief.

"Oi! Get those post-its off of your brother before I call animal-control and have you three locked up in cages for the rest of eternity!"

They ran out screaming in fright, forgetting to remove the post-its which included such phrases as 'Kick me!', 'Kick me harder' and 'Is that all you got?', from his back.

"Edward. What happened here?"

"Me and Jasper where trying to drop a coin on a string down the drain and see if we could pull it back but we accidentally dropped it and Jasper forced my head down the toilet to get it back. Then the idiot went and flushed the toilet so now...I'm stuck."

Carlisle looked at Jasper who shyed away in embarrassment.

"Right then. I'll give Dinarod a call. See if they can get you out of there."

After a while Dinarod arrived with all the necessary equiptment.

"Hang on in there. We'll have you out soon enough."

The dinarod guys went outside to the drain and got a power hose so that they could blast the water up through the pipes and (hopefully) get Edward's head out of the toilet bowl.

Eventually they were successful and Edward was free. He turned to Jasper with a look that could kill...instantly!

"Jasper. You know how I told you I wouldn't be mad?"

Jasper stood there looking more confused and googly-eyed as ever.

"Edward, let's not be too harsh. It was an accident."

"Well, Carlisle. I know that much. This will be an accident too. Better start running Jasper, buddy."

Jasper half-turned both ways around himself and then realised that the only way was down. He swirved around Edward and took a dive for...the toilet. What an idiot.


	5. The Old Abandoned Mine Shaft

It was day five of Peer Mediation class. Lucius had taken all five of his students out on a class trip. "To where?" I hear you ask? Well, to be honest...I haven't a notion.

They had arrived at a dusky, old, abandoned mine shaft. Neville, who was shriveled up like a prune in his wheelchair, opened up a packet of bubblegum and popped one in his mouth. As he began chewing, Lucius began calling the registration list.

"So, Mr. Weasley? Are you here?"

Ron gave a grunt.

"Okay, Mr. Durrin? Oh, there you are! You foul back-chatter. Erm, who's next? Ah, yes. Imogen?"

What was the point in him even taking registration? There was only five people there.

"Mr. Longbottom! How many times do I have to tell you? No chewing gum in my class."

"Technically we're not in your class."

"Well, 'technically'...I would have liked to have been offered some gum. But 'technically' you are too rude, arrogant and altogether quite selfish to offer me some."

Neville sat there looking gaunt. He glanced at his peers as they continued on behind Lucius. They turned down this narrow passage into a surprisingly large room. it was decorated almost like an old Georgian house, living room. There was a red chair in the corner with a high back, shielding the image of the person sitting on it.

"My Lord." Bowed Lucius.

The frail and barely there man rose up from his seat and gently glided towards Lucius. He put his hand on Lucius' chin, who at this point was kneeling and bowing on the ground, he lifted his chin and said...

"Lucius! Why so glum?"

He seemed extraordinarily perky.

"Well. my Lord...Neville didn't offer me any of his bubblegum and when I confronted him about it he just stared at me. It's been a hour since and he still hasn't offered anyone any gum."

Neville accidently swallowed his gum and started choking on it.

"Oh my goodness!" shouted Lord Voldemort.

He ran over to Neville, picked him up out of his wheelchair enduced depression and used the Heimlich manouver. He went one, twice, three times, and then...splat! The gum landed right on Lucius' face.

"Eeck! Are you mocking me Longbottom? Trying to tease me with the sweet smell or raspberry-ripple. Well, Mr. Longbottom..."

He peeled the gum off of the side of his cheek and flung it out the window. Neville suddenly got a flash-back of his ordeal with Lucius and being flung out the window.

"...I'm going to teach you a lesson you'll never forget."

Hadn't he had enough of those already? Being flung out a window, chocking on his gum, being the cause of Harry's death (you know the way Harry wanted to be with Neville but he already had a partner so Harry went on and on until eventually he went poof into thin air? I thought you might remeber that) Isn't that enough to deal with without being taught _another _lesson? I think not. He-he...I'm so mean with Neville!

Oh right...the lesson. So, Lucius got Neville put back on his wheelchair, turned the wheelchair towards a different door than the one they came in, ran from there to the front door and pushed Neville off the edge of the small cliff which was situated beside the house. He wiped his hands on his cloak and returned, without Neville, to the living room.

Let's take a quick trip to Forks, Washington.

"Hum...he...ahem...brrr...erm..."

Jasper was starting to get cold. he had attempted to call for help but knew that he'd just get too upset with his failed attempts and have nowhere to run. When he had been freed from the toilet by Dinarod, Edward threw him over his shoulder and marched him down to the basement where there was a basketball court. He stuck Jasper in the hoop! Then, as he was leaving, he locked the door and slid the key back under the door, so that the only person that could free Jasper this time was...well, Jasper. It had been five days and nobody had noticed until...

"There's something or someone missing." said Alice.

"I know what you mean. There's this empty space and I can't remember what used to be there."

"I know what's missing!" Esme declared "I forgot to put on the roast beef!"

"Esme! How could you? I've been looking forward to a bit of roast all day."

"I haven't! All we ever eat is chicken and deer and turkey and fish...why can't we have some Australian?"

"What do you mean 'Australian'? And do you ever stop thinking about your stomach, Emmett?"

"No, I don't Alice! What I mean is...why can't we have some Australian? You know...people. I mean the hang out on the beach all day so they'd be half-cooked already."

"But we're vegetarians."

"Well, we're not very good vegetarians if we eat beef and chicken!"

"He does have a point."

"Thank you Carlisle."

Edward had just remembered "Japer!" He dashed down to the basement and Jasper was dangling from the basketball hoop with his eyes wide, his lips pierced tight together and a runny nose. Snot everywhere.


	6. Jasper's Voice

It was day six of Peer Mediation class and Neville wasn't attending. Ron Weasley, Adam Durrin, Imogen Cruz, Melissa Rock and Eve Calloway had to face the music...alone.

They were all sitting down patiently in their seats when Lucius walked in. He had a box of lollipops...he was trying to get Neville back after the whole bubblegum incident.

"Hello, every..." he looked around him and noticed that Neville was missing.

"Where is Mr. Longbottom?"

Ron looked around him and said "Dunno."

"Professor, hes probably in the hospital wing."

"Oh, yes. Why thank you Mizz Calloway. I'll just go and fetch him."

Then he left. The class each looked at one another and began talking...quietly. Lucius made his way to the hospital wing, woke Neville up and piled him into his wheelchair. He swiftly ran through the halls with Neville gripping on for dear life. He dragged the wheelchair backwards up the stairs and into the class room. He put Neville by the teacher's desk, got an old fishing rod he had stolen from Hagrid and grabbed a couple af opened lollipops. He attached them to the end of the fishing rod and dangled it near Neville's face.

"'Technically' I'm not giving you any lollipops. Ronald, Adam, Ladies, would you like to have a lollipop?"

The classes eyes lit up and they started nodding. Lucius handed the box to Imogen and was told to pass it around.

"So, today we are going to talk about your feelings. I'm going to give each of you a sheet and you shall fill it out on your own. The aim of this activity is to develop a better relationship with yourself and to learn how to compromise with the person that I partner you with. When you have finished filling out the sheet I want each of you to turn to your partner and compare your answers. After that we're going to have a bit of fun."

So each person filled out a sheet and got partnered up. Ron went with Adam, and the three girls partnered up together. But then there was Neville. Poor, unfortunate, crippled Neville. Lucius was his partner. He felt it appropriate that the boys stayed with the boys and the girls stayed with the girls.

Ron and Adam started.

"So, Adam? When you have an argument with a friend, how do you feel afterwards?"

"I feel like I've just had an argument...that's the right answer, isn't it?"

Lucius sprung out of nowhere.

"Every answer is a right answer, Mr. Durrin. Once you feel it...in here."

He started to gesture to his heart.

"Thank you...sir."

Lucius walked off with his lips pierced into a half-smile.

"Okay, so, how do you feel when you lose something?"

"Lose? Me? I never lose."

"Yes, I know that but if you did, how would you feel?"

"Well, I can only answer that when I lose something can't I."

Ron grabbed Adam's bag from under the table. He routed around and pulled out a teddy bear.

"No! Not Mr. Bubbles!"

Ron quickly ran to the window where Neville had previously been flung out and he chucked Mr. Bubbles out of it. Lucius came over and place his hand on Ron's shoulder.

"The game is catching on quick, isn't it Mr. Weasley?"

"It is quite enjoyable actually."

Ron went back to sit beside Adam. He posed the question again.

"So, how do you feel when you lose something?"

"How...how do.....how do I...how...how do I feel!!! I feel awful! Terrible! I've gotta go and save him! Mr. Bubbles! Don't worry, Daddy's on his way!"

Adam ran out the door screaming and leaving Ron all on his own.

Let's have a little check up on the Cullen's in Forks, Washington.

Carlisle had gotten sick of always playing charades with Jasper...it was the only way anyone could communicate with him. He had gone to the local stationary shop to buy Jasper some post-its and a pencil. He wouldn't have had to buy new post-it's if Harry, Zach and Padma hadn't stuck all of those other ones on Edward.

Jasper had the post-its for three days now and had been getting writing lessons from Carlisle. So far the only sentence he could string together was "I'm sick of all this rubbish! Kill me now!" A famous Carlisle phrase that he had been using a lot lately. Suddenly, he got this surge of knowledge. He had remembered all of the English lessons from his human days and could write anything he wanted.

Everyone went into town for a family dinner and Jasper had written that he was "feeling icky" on a post-it, left it on the table beside someone's car keys and had pretended to go to bed. As soon as everyone was gone...he began the massacre!

He started in Edward's room writing things like "You have nasty hair" and "Buy some shoe-laces, would you?"

He then went to Alice's room and wrote "I love you but Tinkerbell is not an appropriate style icon...try Ellen Degeneres...you know, jeans a t-shirt and a pair of converse!"

Then Emmett "You beast! You're fat! Kind of...not really...how come you get to be so buff!" He never liked insulting Emmett.

Rosalie got "You super-multi-annoyingly-large-grizzly-bear-lover!"

The insults kept on coming. Unfortunatly, Jasper's happiness didn't last long. His pencil broke and since Carlisle had only bought one and no pencil sharpener, Jasper could never write again. His final words were "I love George Clooney!" When everyone had returned the found the house to be nothing but post-its. You could no longer see the walls or the beloved family photos. All you could see where green, pink and yellow post-its covering every inch of the house.

Carlisle then started ranting on about "Didn't discipline 101 teach you anything about behaviour!" Jasper ran off crying again.


	7. When Two Different Worlds Collide

It was day seven of Peer Mediation class. Neville, who could now sort of walk, was carrying an unusually large duffel bag on his shoulder. He when to the upper-tier of the class room and set up his blow-up bed which Madame Pomfrey insisted he used as he had to keep his spine elevated so that it wouldn't snap.

Lucius came prancing in rather merrily and noticed Neville taking a nap. He waltzed up the miniature stair-case to where Neville had set up camp.

"Good morning, Mr. Longbottom. Feeling better are we?"

"Oh, yes, Mr. Malfoy. Madame Pomfrey insisted that I...ouch! Owwwwwww...! Oh, my God! Oh, the pain! Oh, sweet mother of..."

As you can imagine, Neville was in a lot of pain. The reason: Lucius had kicked the bed from under him and he had tumbled all the way down the stair case.

"So, children. Today I am announcing some fantastic news! We have been chosen to represent Hogwarts at the NLGAP, or the National Let's Get Along Project. Isn't that exciting?"

They all stared blankly at Lucius. Him getting along...with other human beings? I don't think so.

"What exactly do we do at this N...G...something or other?"

"The NLGAP. Well, we meet new friends and we do group activities and we learn the correct way to help old ladies cross the street and we play with cute little puppies. It's like being in heaven for the day."

Neville jerked and made a slight groaning sound.

"Was that sarcasim, Mr. Longbottom?"

He said nothing, didn't even breathe.

"Detention!"

So, class went on as usual. Lucius insulted Neville and beat him up a little but the rest of the class had gotten so used to it that they weren't all that shocked anymore.

I just got an idea. Let's see what the Cullens are up to in Forks, Washington.

"Hum...huh....erm..."

Jasper was eating a banana whilst passing by Carlisle's office when suddenly...

"Jasper! Where are the post-its?"

Jasper got such a fright that he flung his banana skin behind him. He stood there and this time he had actually wet himself...poor little Jasper.

Emmett suddenly came running along with a giant bottle of hand-sanitizer. It looked like he had just picked up a tankered of petrol and flung it on his back, it was that big.

"I refuse to cathc the swine flu...I will not be subject to nee...ahh!"

He had slipped on Jasper's banana skin. The giant hand-sanitizer had flown out of his grip and the lid had come off. It landed in a big, gloopy mess on Carlisle's head! Goo all over his freshly blow-dried hair and his new Calvin Klein shirt. He wasn't one bit impressed.

Alice had been acting strange for days now. She had been reading books on how to enter other dimensions and a world unlike her own. She had been digging holes in the ground to try to find Narnia. Made huge gaping holes in her bedroom wall trying to find Teribithia. She was trying to get to Hogwarts. A place Harry had told her many stories about "the good times...if there actually were any good times to talk about".

Then, it all came to her. Go to London and find platform nine and three-quarters! She did just that. When she arrived at King's Cross Station her instincts told her to run into the wall between platforms nine and ten. She did this also. She then ran from there to Hogwarts within ten minutes. She arrived in Peer Mediation class. Lucius and his students had been dismissed and had all skipped out merrily, leaving poor Neville lying there with nothing but a detention slip and a deflated air-bed beside him.

"Oh, no. This poor man has been knocked...unconscious!"

She ran over to him to check for signs of breathing and then said...

"Hey, you! Sir, call 999 now!"

She was pointing to a plastic skeleton and calling out the wrong number. They weren't in America anymore Alice!

She started smacking Neville across the face screaming at him "Sir, wake up! Sir, are you okay? Sir, are you breathing?" She genuinely thought that he'd give a response!

After a while of hitting his face, he woke up. He saw this beautiful, brunette girl staring at him, with big, golden eyes. He swooned. She was asking him a bunch of questions but he was so concussed that he couldn't understand a word she was saying. He was in love.

Suddenly an announcement came on the intercom...

"Could all students wishing to join the after-school Flower-Arranging club, please come to the herbology green-houses immediatly? Thank you!"

Alice dropped Neville's elevated head on the solid concrete floor and ran out of the room, heading for the green-houses. She didn't even go to the school but they were so impressed with her peppyness that they let her join anyways. Sure why shouldn't they? The girl practically vomits sunshine and rainbows!


	8. This Was Made To Confuse You

It was day eight of Peer Mediation class. Neville had now fully recovered and he was raging! He was on his way to class when he saw Lucius sitting outside, updating his Twitter page...'LuLu_DeathEater'

"Hey, You! Do you know what kind of damage you have done to me? You have given me post-traumatic-stress disorder. You craked my spine, you broke my arms, my ribs, my legs, my fingers and my toes, you fractured my skull, I've suffered serious head-trauma and...and...I can't afford the hospital bills! You're gonna be the one paying for them...whether you like it or not!"

Lucius got a sudden twitch in his eye. Neville got engulfed with fear. Lucius was starting to foam at the mouth and then...the chase was on. Neville and Lucius dashed through the school hallways, screaming insults and obsenities at one another. Lucius had tried to use on of the three unforgivable curses on Neville but somehow, he avoided them. Neville had been practicing his hand-eye coordination.

Meanwhle in Forks, Washington, Carlisle had been forced to take Jasper to one of his seminars as everybody was busy or just wasn't bithered to look after him.

When they arrived, Carlisle told Jasper to stand in the corner and to not make a fool of himself!

Carlisle soon got called to the Dean's office and asked Jasper to take over...what?! Jasper...controlling a class...of college students? It's outragious!

Jasper stood there behind the desk at the top of the class room. The students suddenly became very loud and very uncontrollable!

"Can...hrr...erm...ahem...grrr...blaaa...ahem!"

Jasper had the facial expression of a constapated, seventy-year-old man! He coughed, he mumbled, and yet, no response. They kept on flinging paper-aeroplanes across the room at each other, and one obnoxious eejit kept saying "Do you need you're bwankie?" This made Jasper mad on the inside but he knew that he if ever wanted another pencil, he would have to behave.

Hogwarts - Neville was running, and running, and running some more! He then runs into the empty hospital wing. The hospital was going spare without Neville suffering some form of injury or fatality. He pulled back the drapes of the formerly boardered up window in the left-hand corner of the large room, to reveal...The Vortex of Alice Cullen. He took a dive for it and suddenly ended up in...you'll have to wait and see!

"Stand there and control them. It's a simple enough task Jasper and you make it seem like you're working in the controls room for NASA! What is the matter with you? I can't leave you at home because I know you'll find the post-its and pens and I can't take you to work because you let my students reek havoc in the class room. Can't you do anything right?!"

Ha, ha! Oh, the confusion. I'm gonna bring you back, again, to Hogwarts...kind of.

So, Neville had jumped into the Vortex of Alice Cullen and had ended up in Alice's bedroom...on the floor...face flat! Lucius attempted to dive in after him but his butt was too bug so he got stuck half way between both worlds. His legs dangling out of a swirling window in Hogwarts and his puffy-eyed, red-face peaking into Forks, Washington.

To be continued...


	9. The Final Walk

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Who are you? You weird stalker, pervert!"

Neville turned to see who was screaming at him. It was Alice sitting on her bed, painting her nails and examining the blue tutu she had bought for Peaches although Carlisle had clearly told her not to get any 'blue ones' for anybody.

"It's you again. You almost helped me but then you didn't. I'm Neville. Who are you?"

"I'm Alice Cullen. Who's your friend?"

Lucius was still dangling from the vortex but he had given up on shouting as he knew nobody likes helping a grumpy old man.

"Neville! Come here."

Neville plodded over to Lucius' upper half of his body.

"Yes, Professor?"

"Are you going to be introducing me to your little friend?"

"I was just going to do that. Alice, this is Lucius, Lucius this is Alice. I'm sorry I've subjected you to knowing this horrible man."

"Huh?" said Lucius, noticing that Neville was suddenly holding nothing back.

Neville ignored Lucius for the next few hours. Alice and Neville went on a tour of the house, went into town to get Ben & Jerry's ice-cream and later returned to the house to check up on Lucius.

"Hey, Lulu!" Alice said spontaniously.

"How do you know my nick-name?"

"I follow you on twitter."

"Oh, really."

"Yeah. We stopped off at the internet cafe and googled it. I love your home-page. Blue is so you."

"Oh, I know right. I was going for a kind of green colour but then..."

"Alice?"

Alice turned sharply to face Neville. They had been discussing how to determine whether or not Lucius should pay Neville's hospital bills or not. They decided to have...a walk-off.

"A 'walk-off'? What's a walk-off?"

"A fashion walk-off. Your strongest walkers against Neville's strongest walkers. It's like Zoolander only you guys are uglier."

"Oh...well...I don't know...it seems kind of...risky"

"Nonsense, Lulu! It'll be fine. We've called in Miss J from America's Next Top Model to help you"

"No way! Really...oh my goodness!!! I'm such a big fan of his! Hers? His? It's? Of Miss J!"

So, Miss J came, helped and left. Lucius was now confident that he could win but Neville knew he wasn't going to be defeated.

Carlisle and Edward were to be the adjudicators and the stage had been set. Show time! Neville had a team of himself, Jasper, Alice and Professor Flitwick, although he was still on bad terms with Neville after the whole 'we have to get to peer mediation class' incident. Lucius had a team of himself, Voldemort, the suddenly French Laurent and Karkaroff, the durmstrang headmaster.

They prepared themsleves, all lined up in single file, on team on either sides of the wings, waiting. It was Voldemort versus Alice first. Voldemort came on with his black, almost water-like, floating cloak. He glided up the runway and back. Alice, like a fairy, swiftly made her way up and down the catwalk, winking and flashing her pretty little smile at the audience. It was scoring time...the winner was...Voldemort. The judges felt that Alice was teasing the audience with her grins and that it would have been unfair to let her win since Voldemort had practically no teeth left.

Next, it was Laurent versus Flitwick. Laurent stomped his way down the catwalk almost shaking the entire room with every step and actually caused a hole to form at the end of the runway. Flitwick on the other hand came out waddling, almost like a penguin, not to mention the fact that he was dressed like one to in his 'James Bond' inspired tux. They decided to call it a draw as both were equally as bad as the other.

The third walk-off was with Jasper and Karkaroff. Jasper, immitating Edward Scissorhands, 'wandered' down the runway, not quite knowing what he was doing or where he was going although Miss J had told him that he had a 'fabulous' walk. Carlisle and Edward voted that Jasper had the better walk...being bias much? I know. Anyway, Jasper won that walk.

Finally, it was the walk of all walks, the main event, the big cheese if you will. Neville versus Lucius. Rather than going one by one like everyone else they had to walk together!

Neville's heart was racing. He could feel it almost bursting out of his chest. He took a step. A deep breath and then he went for it. Lucius stared at him from when they were standing in the wings until they were posing at the end of the runway. Then it was over. After all the posing, strutting and looking absolutly fabulous, it was time for the judges to make a decision. Each team was called back to the catwalk to hear the final decision. At this point the teams were even, this was the final point to be given and it would determine whether Lucius had to pay Neville's bills or not.

And the winner was...NEVILLE'S TEAM!!!

Lucius was enraged with anger and other mixed reactions and emotions. He ran over to Neville and jumped on his shoulders. They scrambled around the stage for a while, almost like Neville was giving Lucius a piggy-back ride. Then, they fell through the hole created by Laurent earlier and then all you could hear was the two shreiking in pain.

Neville screamed "I think my spleen is in my throat!"

THE END...hope you enjoyed it! Aisling xxx


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